I stopped believing in a thing called love sometime ago. It seems like a ludicrous idea. You give your heart to someone else and the end result would be either :-
- You'll be broken hearted
- It's a one sided love
- You are being lead to believe that he loves you but the truth is that he doesn't.
- You are just being used as a tool to kill loneliness or to have fun
It may not happen that way. Some lucky couple would get to spent their life together, lovingly and happily. But somehow I have never been that lucky couple. My love life is a disaster. Ask Jijie. He knows better about my love life. Just name it. Dumped, used, fooled, and et cetera. Been there, done that. And it hurts. I'm talking about hearts being shattered to pieces. Oh. And dreams too. And hope. Yep. Serious injury.
Let me tell you a story about the time I fell in love. Like head-over-heels kind of love. Let's called him X. you can find fragments of his name in my earliest post. To me, he is my sunshine. my star. my EVERYTHING. We've been good friend since high school, and during my college years, he proposed and i accepted. Life is good. Super good.
Then the wheels of fate started to turn. He left me. Reason? No solid reason. I cried a river. No. Maybe a sea. I just don't understand. Why? What did i do wrong? I blamed myself for him leaving me. A month later, I see that he got a new girlfriend. Shit. Now i know. And I cried again and again. My heart ached. It took me a long time to recover. I stayed single for more than 6 months. Which is quite a record. [serious. I'm not joking]
More guys come and go. And now my heart has grown weary. Tired of stupid games and empty promises. Tired of crying and being dumped. Tired of broken heart and broken hope. Tired of love. It takes two to tango, but all this while it has always been me leading the dance. So now I'm thinking of retiring from the world of love.
But then..
Someone came in to offer his love. He seems sincere. He seems understanding. He seems serious. He seems mature. Oh! What should I do? My mind is shouting "Be Cautious. You don't want history to repeat itself!" but my heart says "Let's try. You like his honesty and his bluntness. You like his attitude and ability to read people. You like HIM." I'm scared. I'm afraid. I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to be heart broken anymore. But he seems different. Should I trust him? Should I put my heart into loving him? Oh! What should i do?
Here's a poem about love that i found in his blog. Somehow i relate myself to this poem. Enjoy.
What is love again?
After years of trial and failure
each and everyone was ought to be the one
each and everyone claimed to be the one
but none of them is, since they have left me alone again
Maybe its my fault for not being perfect
not being there every time she called my name
not making her feel better when she is down
not being the person she can indulge her love with
"Love", again what is it?
so many people claimed they know its true meaning
dictionary claims it like that, scientist claimed it like this
for something still very subjective and ambiguous
do we really need to know what "love" means?
so many people have claimed to feel it
so many people have very clear description of love
then again, for something this subjective and ambiguous
do we really need to make a description for it?
For me, love is very simple,
more simpler than 'falling in love at first sight'
more simpler than 'I think I liked her, so I say I love her'
and even more simpler than 'love is blind'
Mind me, love was never blind
the feeling itself cant be blind
cause we all can feel the love between us
even there is no scientific empirical measurement to prove this
Love is actually as simple as
two person who wants a relationship
want to be in a relationship
want it to be something special
and something they can go all out for
but it does not mean that
love is chemically induced
or through logical stratified
It can be as simple as,
both of us want a serious relationship
you want a guy who can make you happy
I want a girl that can give me the same feeling back
Love can occur anytime in our life
sometimes you will realize that
even after years of being in a relationship
I don't have that 'different' kind of feeling
when I was with my ex
maybe your right
but maybe you haven't realized that
what we are going through now
is as 'different' as it is
maybe this is love, two people loving each other
without any kind of obsession or infatuation which makes it 'different'
again, love is subjective and ambiguous dear
Not really knowing how to say it
I'm not really good in these kind of things afterall
but there is no harm in it
maybe one or two controversies but we can manage it
I don't really like to use the word love without serious consideration
but I'm considering you to consider the possibility of this
Plus, you don't really know
that i actually love you
long before you even know my name
long before I got to know you were in a relationship
but since that failed, I'm not jumping straight to the game
take your time, if you can save your previous relationship
try it, but if you are ready to move on to the next level
I'll be waiting for you, on the doorsteps to your heart
Again......n again.....n again
it's you I meant
it's you who I'm trying to be with
you may break my heart now
but come with me to a journey
I'll bring you to a place you never seen before
Bringing this nameless ship of us
to the rough seas of love..
Should I? Take his hand? And give my heart? :) Let time decide.