4 in the morning.

I just got off the phone with  my personal counsellor who loves to 'whip' me whenever I feel down. Now get your minds out of the gutter, there ain't no dirty things that the counsellor did to me. Only words are used in the process, delivering the cold harsh facts about life.

To you, thank you for going past my stubbornness and firmly shoving your beliefs up my ass. I appreciate it. I know it must be frustrating for you to argue with me since I hate backing down, but really..

Thank you for not giving up on me when I myself have given up on myself.

Birthday.

Birthdays are over rated.

It's funny how your happiness revolves around the number of people who wished you for your birthday. Take me for example. Last year I considered my year to be great because I got people birthday wishes from left, right and up my asses. This year, everything seems downhill because the people you expected to wish you doesn't wish you and yet, they wanted you to celebrate other people's birthday.

I'm sorry for sounding so selfish and rude, but I don't want to be a part of your birthday celebration if you don't even remember mine. Especially if I remembered yours. Why do you get to be happy when I don't?

Fuck birthdays.

p/s I'm happy I celebrated it with people I care, but it doesn't hurt to be remembered and not spend your birthday being hopeful only to be disappointed.

Lost.

I don't know how many times I've been feeling this way over these years. Restless, fidgety, angry, pissed off, annoyed, you name it, I've felt it. I was so worried that these feelings that I have, these emotions are just a symptom of craziness. I must be crazy. No normal human could feel this low over and over and over and over in a short period of time.

I can't wait for this year to be over.

Sure, I'm happy I got the opportunity to be an RA. I'm happy that I did reasonably well in my studies. I mean, you got to admit, it's not easy to maintain a B+ when you're always 'Miss C'. Sure, this year has been challenging not just to me, but to all of us.

Still, I can't wait for this year to be over.

Or rather, I can't wait to change from a squirmy worthless loathsome worm into a beautiful elegant butterfly. I'm so tired being where I am now, or what I am now. I don't even know who I am. I lost old friends, gained new ones, lost them again. I had more nightmares than last year, always waking up feeling tired and wondering why the hell do I have those dreams.

I'm so tired.

Nightmares.

I hate my nightmares.

Every time I close my eyes, I will have nightmares. Once in a while, some good dreams appeared and I woke up feeling great, like I never have nightmares.

It's really terrifying. To know that you're dreaming but yet you feel like you have to follow the course of the dream. Sometimes I got the power to get out of the dreams. Like there's this one time where I actually realized I was dreaming and I fought real hard to wake up and I succeed. It felt good. But that only happened once in a blue moon.

Please.

No more nightmares tonight. I just want to go to sleep.