What if?

I don't how many times I've written about letting go. Letting go the ones you love, whether it's for their best or you.. Letting go a good thing because you might get better.. Letting go hatred because it's destroying you... Letting go love because you don't think there's anything worth keeping.. so many letting go..

I found someone I can't afford to let go. Not in a million years. The question is: Is he worth the sacrifices I'm going to make?

Is he the one?

How do you know he's the one?

What if you make the wrong decision?

What if your decision creates problems?

What if, what if, what if?


So many questions, so little answer.

I'm afraid I'm going to get hurt. But little did I realize, I'm actually hurting someone else while figuring out life. You know how hurting someone else is the last thing I want to do.

Especially this one.

Emotionally walking away.

I heard this on House MD season 5 episode 21 (maybe?). It struck me with the truth. The truth that I've been trying to avoid from accepting.

I'm walking away, emotionally, from everyone I love.

And what do I achieve from that, you may ask. I don't know. Maybe I'm hoping that if I did this, people will walk away from me. People that I'm afraid to leave because it will hurt them, so I'd rather them leaving me.. Less blame on me I guess.

I think I don't deserve to be loved. Sure, I'm happy if people love me. Who doesn't? I'm not that crazy yet.

I don't know. I'm confused.

I'm clingy. I'm needy. But I'm also detached. And independent. And right now.. I don't know who I am anymore.